나무, 숲을 보다

My back pages.

밥 딜란의 30주년 기념 콘서트의 한대목이다. 오늘은 이 노래 덕에 온몸을 흔들면서 데이타를 돌렸다. 중간에 그만둘까도 하다가, 이 노래 덕에 끝까지 가보자 하고 고쳐 앉아서 맞이하고 있는 새벽이다. 너무 늙어버린 밥 딜란을 받아들이기가 힘들었다. 그래서 한동안 이 앨범을 듣지 않았다. 그리고 해가 바뀌고 나는 다시 한살을 더 먹었다.

다시 밥 딜란을 듣기 시작했다. 이제는 너무 늙었다고 생각했던 늙수그레들이 모여서 벌이는 난장…자꾸만 눈앞이 시큰해져온다. 이렇게 지난 페이지들을 뒤적거리면서 새삼 나이를 먹고 있는지도 모르겠다. 여전히 미래는 알수 없는데, 자꾸만 두꺼워지는 지난 페이지들…그럴 때는 하는 수 없다. 그냥 이렇게 난장 한바탕 놀아보는거다. 그러면 누가 알겠는가, 진짜로 Ah, but I was so much older then I’m younger than that now…할는지…

Crimson flames tied through my ears
Rollin’ high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads
Using ideas as my maps
“We’ll meet on edges, soon,” said I
Proud ’neath heated brow.
Ah, but I was so much older then
I’m younger than that now.

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth
“Rip down all hate,” I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then
I’m younger than that now.

Girls’ faces formed the forward path
From phony jealousy
To memorizing politics
Of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists
Unthought of, though, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then
I’m younger than that now.

A self-ordained professor’s tongue
Too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school
“Equality,” I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I’m younger than that now.

In a soldier’s stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I’d become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I’m younger than that now.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I’m younger than that now.